Thursday, April 29, 2010

Wait - you're what?

First of all, I have avoided discussing this topic on take me to bliss out of respect to the other person involved but seeing as friendship in the sense of the word has apparently been discontinued and by discontinued I mean I don't think said other person even wants to keep me in the picture, why the hell should I not discuss the topic?

So here we go....

Breaking Up. Getting Dumped. Kicked to the Curb. Cheated On. Leaving his ass. Leaving her ass. I don't love you anymore. I hate you. Please fuck off. Please disappear off the face of the earth. Go to hell.

We have all been there at some point. If you haven't, consider yourself lucky.

We don't all feel the above mentioned emotions. I would never tell anyone to go to hell. Not even Justin Bieber. And I've been told by someone I loved to go to hell and I still didn't say 'well see you there asshole!'

Because I'm a nice person. Some might argue I'm TOO nice. That maybe I should wish bodily harm against those who've put my heart through a blender. My response if usually, 'whats the point?"


"Bella I don't want you to come"
and he ain't talkin about in the bedroom

We've all been there - ok maybe we ALL haven't but you know what I mean. It either sucks or it doesn't suck. Usually depending on if you are the person doing it or on the receiving end. And make no mistake, just because you are the one doing it does not mean it doesn't hurt like a mofo. true story.

Sometimes its totally expected:
When she asks you to bring home 12 lemons and you bring home 6...
you should just accept that you're going to be dumped. very soon.

Sometimes its totally NOT expected:
Look on the bright side.
You now have a gorgeous designer dress and manicure to be depressed in.

We can't all be lucky enough to be broken up with in person. In fact, only 1/6 of the breakups I've experienced were in person and I think he feared for his life as I kicked him out of my apartment screaming and throwing various house hold appliances at him. true story.

Sometimes its done on the phone:
No sweety.
Thats the sound of his new gf removing his shirt ruffling against the mouth piece.

And then there are less conventional ways to tell someone its over:
no words.
you just don't break up with Carrie Bradshaw

When the dust settles and you've either gained ten pounds or lost ten pounds, you pull open the curtains, call your friends to say you want to go out, and you start to pick up the pieces. It's all you can do really.

But with every break up comes the inevitable 'what happens next???'

Do you really want to become the psycho ex-girlfriend? :

for the record I have NEVER been a psycho ex-gf
ok maybe once I told all of his friends he was lame in bed
and he knows who he is so if we've dated and you're scratching your head,

Sometimes its easy, almost necessary to become the psycho ex-girlfriend:
I really wish I'd done this when I'd been cheated on.
Just sayin.

Crazies aside - even though I LOVE hearing stories about them - most of us handle breaking up like adults. Because really, we are only making ourselves look ridiculous if we don't.

And I think so often, when a good thing ends, we're too quick to just start hating on each other and tearing each other apart. Some of the most heartbreak suffered from my worst and most recent breakup came from things said AFTER we were broken up. A month after when the dust has settled is NOT when you need to hear all the reasons you supposedly deserved to be treated to a broken heart.

And I hate to say it - but last night's episode of Gossip Girl totally made me realize something.

In Love and War, it's as if the minute you are single its a race to see who will get laid first. Who will score the first boyfriend/girlfriend. Who will get engaged first. Who will be the first to settle down.

STOP THE MADNESS. Really people? Really?

Whatever happened to just being dare I say it, HAPPY? Relishing in the fact that while you were miserable when you were in a relationship you are finally happy being alone?

Which is why THIS totally hit home for me:

"You and I loved each other... And then you broke my heart."
yah you did and I forget that sometimes

I realized that she's so disgustingly right. Enemies or Friends. Deep down, we want to beat the other to it. We want to bask in the afterglow of post-break up sex with someone entirely new or experience that rush of kissing someone that's not him/her...

We're all guilty of it - even me. But when you're doing it and hoping they find out? Stop and ask yourself if this is for YOU or if its to get back at HIM.

If you kept it to yourself and simply enjoyed the bliss, then you did it for YOU. True Story. We're all about the bliss at take me to bliss.

Now I realize that by writing this, it may seem I'm an open book either way. Am I the former or the latter? Sorry - I don't kiss and tell.

So next time you are being kicked to the curb or putting someone's organs into a blender figuratively not literally, I can only offer you this. You can fight, you can blame, you can name call, you can hate till the cows come home. It's not going to change what you already know. You don't want to be with that person OR they don't want to be with you. The sooner you accept that yes, you may have loved each other but now it's over... the sooner you can be happy with just you.

I leave you with the famous photo of Brad and Jen the day before they announced they were amicably splitting.

If only breaking up were that easy. Of course THAT was before we knew about Angelina.

Breakups; what would we talk about without them?

disclaimer: this was NOT an attempt to bash, belittle, or ruin any exes. i am friends with ALL of my exes both in real life and on Facebook. none of them read my blog *that I know of* so if you ARE an ex of mine and you did just read this, sorry? but unless your name starts with J and we dated when I was 18 and still a virgin, then you caused a broken heart so I sort of don't feel bad for being truthful about it on the blog. K?


ChronicNerd said...

L-O-V-E that you put your heart out there my dear. Stay fabulous.

August said...

You never cease to amuse me Crystal, you really don't.

Now then, on to my lecture.

First thing: EX-WATCHING, not the best thing for emotional closure. The reason we're able to BLOCK people is to prevent ex-watching from happening. Not because we hate them; we block exs (and other people we love) because we hate making social comparisons with them.

Second thing: Redefining 'the game' to prevent further heartache and needless love loss. Peoples first relationship experiences are more similar to experiments than actual mature, adult relationships.

Asking your partner to make a commitment to being in a mutually exclusive relationship only needs to happen under one of two conditions:

a) one partner would like to consolidate their individual financial situations


b) one partner would like to produce offspring.

There is a third condition where one partner may have a clearly defined boundary set that prevents the relationship from developing before the desired commitment is made.

Guys and girls will pretty much say and do anything to get what they want, except, ironically, talk about the cost and benefit of membership to each others 'exclusive club', their 'secret world' as it were.

Even when a commitment is clearly defined and agreed upon there's still a chance that one partner finds his or herself faced with an opportunity to 'cheat'. In such an instance it's the responsibility of the partner who is at risk of breaching the commitment to inform his or her partner, as a matter of respect, that he or she is pursuing or is becoming or has been involved with an interest that threatens the investments he or she makes to the exclusive commitment.

Clearly, the boundaries of any relationship should be discussed and defined by the couple involved. For some it may be previously determined that yes, if one of them is faced with an opportune one-night-stand or an ongoing relationship then yes, they should indulge and yes, it should be done at the expense of the current commitment and kept as secret as possible from the unknowing partner. Far be it from anyone else to say what works for two people in another couple.

It takes a lot of emotional intelligence to successfully navigate the world of relationships. Once the average feelings created by the behaviour of someone's partner reaches a significant level at the 'not good' end of our 'how this relationship makes me feel' spectrum, the relationship should, and usually does end. If and when we become more emotionally intelligent, break-ups become relationship plateaus where developement ends, a sure signal for change or closure.

Break-ups: a good thing.

C r y s t a l said...

WOW - Giulio I hardly knew ya.

Are you sure you are the same guy I knew in grade nine that starred in Forever Plaid?

August said...

There are ways in which I am the same and there are others in which I am changed.

My strengths, the same you know and those you know not, appreciate with time and interest.